What do health-care providers really need? Super powers!
Written by: Dr. Michael Weiss
I’ve decided that we’re trying all the wrong things to deal with this managed care stuff.
We don’t need outcomes data or clinical pathways. We don’t need to watch national trends or listen to consultants. We don’t need to change our practice patterns, join networks, share risk, hire physician extenders or work longer hours.
What we need are super powers. You know, lightning speed, X-ray vision, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
There’s nothing going on in health care right now that a couple of super heroes on the provider side couldn’t handle. Think about it. If you were The Incredible Hulk, would you let third-party payers squeeze your reimbursement? Or would you squeeze back and make it count?
You don’t have to answer right away. Defending truth, stopping injustice and protecting the underdog are awesome responsibilities, so you probably want to sleep on it.
As for me, I’ve been mulling this over for a long time, and I’d gladly take whatever super powers I could find. If I were a super hero, here’s what I’d do: The Flash: By the time other doctors hit the snooze button, I’d finish rounds at five hospitals, attend three medical staff meetings, whiz through McDonald’s (drive through, of course), and stop by the O.R. to perform a bunch of surgeries. I’d eat lunch, get some CME credits and squeeze in a round of golf. (No cart. Too slow.) Back at the office, I’d see patients, attend meetings, dictate charts, return phone calls, see more patients, attend more meetings, dictate more charts, return more phone calls and zip home. Before dinner, I’d cut the grass, weed the garden, wax the car and repave the driveway. After dinner, I’d stop global warming, save the whales, build a church in Argentina and adopt a highway. The Human Torch. Managed care? It’s toast. Those annoying regulations that prohibit me from supplying fixed walkers to my fracture patients? Toast. Medicare paperwork, fraud and abuse laws, PCPs who refer patients to other orthopedic practices? Toast, toast, T-O-A-S-T. Superman. The X-ray tech called in sick. The CT scanner’s broken. The insurance company won’t pay for an MRI. Thank goodness for X-ray vision. But, wait. What’s that? A Department of Health inspector? What do you mean I need a license for my eyes? I don’t think so. It takes more than red tape to topple the Man of Steel. Green Lantern: I put on my special thought-controlled power ring and — presto! — all of my patients are compliant, every HMO approves every treatment I’ve ever ordered, and the Hilton sisters go away. Batman. The Bat-clock moves 6 a.m. meetings to 9. The Bat-shredder turns HCFA guidelines into spaghetti. The Bat-scope spots U.R. reviewers before they get to my office, so I can escape through the secret Bat-vator to the parking lot. The Bat-swatter eliminates sales reps who come by without food, and the Bat-bomb blows up anything with the letters "HMO." Wonder Woman. I’ll pass. There’s no way I’m wearing spike-heeled boots and big hair, even if I could wipe out a whole boardroom full of HMO executives without breaking a nail. Captain America: I defend truth, justice and the American way. O.K., not really. I just always wanted to say that.
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